Joaquin Phoenix: Ranked

Jack Morrison

Ladder 49, 2004
Directed by Jay Russell

Because the man can't ever seem to half-ass anything, Joaquin Phoenix spent a month training at a fire academy and then spent another month working with a Baltimore fire crew and going out on real calls. He also had to overcome a severe fear of heights.

But there's more to this than just the physicality of the role. He also hits all the right emotional notes in this strong performance as a man who must balance being a devoted husband and father with being a firefighter who risks his life to save the lives of others. Unfortunately, the film itself isn't really exceptional in any way, but it's decent enough.

Rank: 27
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: 4 (Let's just say the fire isn't the hottest thing in the movie. )
Write-Ups: October 30, 2019

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I can’t believe I’m an avid follower of a thread where a woman explicitly shares her undying (or undrying) thirst of Joaquin Phoenix....


I love it.

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/watching movies for mark f/
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Kenai

Brother Bear, 2003
Directed by Aaron Blaise and Robert Walker

This is the only performance Joaquin Phoenix has done for an animated film - and he did a pretty damn good job it. Kenai is a young Inuit man who, through the magic of the ancestral spirits, is taught a lesson in brotherhood and responsibility by being transformed into a bear. Phoenix has great chemistry with his co-star, Jeremy Suarez, and makes this lesser-known (and, unfortunately, lesser regarded) Disney film quite the charmer.

I'd rank it higher, but it's kind of a shame not to be able to see his face.

Rank: 26
Film Rating: +
Hotness Factor: -5 (Not into bestiality, tyvm.)
Write-Ups: October 30, 2019

Max California

8MM, 1999
Directed by Joel Schumacher

In need of a battery operated vagina? How about some help infiltrating the seedy underworld of pornography? Max is your man. He doesn't buy it. He doesn't endorse it. He just points the way.

Joaquin is pretty adorable as the porn store-clerk turned P.I.'s sidekick who assists in investigating the authenticity of a snuff flick. Max is much more intelligent than he likes to let on and has a quick wit, adding a bit of levity to an otherwise very dark and disturbing film.

Rank: 25
Film Rating:
Hotness Factor: 3 (I kinda dig the blue hair.)
Write-Ups: May 30, 2016, November 10, 2019

Don't know how accurate my count is but I've seen only 10.

Merrill Hess

Signs, 2002
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Merrill's not the brightest guy around, but this "miracle man" loves and idolizes his older brother, is fiercely protective of his niece and nephew, and sure knows how to handle a baseball bat.

Joaquin is wonderfully dopey in his role as the comic relief of the film. His character is also an athlete - which means we get to see him in fine, fit form and I do love me some eye candy.

Rank: 24
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: 4 (I'd like to handle that... uh... bat myself.)
Write-Ups: October 25, 2019

Jimmy Emmett

To Die For, 1995
Directed by Gus Van Sant

Jimmy's a dim-witted, horny teen who gets seduced by an "on-air correspondent" (read: weather girl) for the local news channel and is convinced to murder the woman's husband when she claims that he beats her. Despite his stupidity and the horrible things he does, there's a sweetness to Jimmy that makes him weirdly endearing.

Rank: 23
Film Rating:
Hotness Factor: 0 (He's practically a baby in this.)
Write-Ups: November 16, 2019

This thread reminds me I need to see more Joaquin than I thought I already had...

Excellent, straight-to-the-point comments on these. In here you know what you get. It's never hit or miss with Miss Vicky!

Merrill already saddens me.

Wow, thought you were half joking, but you would actually f**k the man, wouldn’t you?

If the opportunity presented itself, sure.

Joaquin Phoenix

I'm Still Here, 2010
Directed by Casey Affleck

Joaquin Phoenix: Rapper. I don't know if this is a brilliant piece of performance art or the worst thing the man's ever done, but I gotta give him respect because he sure had a lot people convinced that he'd lost his damn mind. On the other hand, I'm still not convinced he hasn't lost it.

Rank: 22
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: -5 (Dude looks f***ing homeless. He's dirty in all the wrong ways. )
Write-Ups: November 17, 2019

Ray Elwood

Buffalo Soldiers, 2001
Directed by Gregor Jordan

This lovable rogue is fond of the finer things and has no qualms about his black market dealings in everything from wholesale heroin to Mop N Glo. Not exactly an upstanding citizen and definitely not a model soldier, but he's funny and looks great in a uniform, so... who cares?

Joaquin Phoenix does a great job with this character and it's a blast (sometimes literally) watching him go toe to toe with the newly arrived Sergeant who is ruthlessly determined to shut him down and will stop at nothing to win the battle between them.

Rank: 21
Film Rating:
Hotness Factor: 4 (I mean, that uniform.)
Write-Ups: November 16, 2019

Lucius Hunt

The Village, 2004
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Lucius is a quiet and reserved character who is deeply in love with Ivy, the blind girl he's known since childhood, but doesn't know how to express it. A character like this performed by a lesser actor could easily come off as wooden or even cold, but Phoenix is a master at conveying emotion in his expressions, body language, and tone of voice. The film's expected Shyamalan "twist" might be a bit silly, but the romance between Phoenix's Lucius and Bryce Dallas Howard's Ivy is really beautiful and their chemistry is impressive.

Rank: 20
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: 3 (Lucius is more adorable than sexy.)
Write-Ups: November 20, 2019

Toby N. Tucker

U Turn, 1997
Directed by Oliver Stone

Don't be making time with his girl, Jenny, or Toby will beat you where you sit. Folks 'round Superior call him "TNT" because he's just like dynamite and when he goes off, somebody gets hurt.

Phoenix is a riot as the hot-headed, air-headed Toby, who makes Sean Penn's hellish time stuck in the podunk Arizona town just that much worse. It's a really small role, but Joaquin really makes the most of it and steals every scene he's in.

Rank: 19
Film Rating: +
Hotness Factor: 3 (Dumb as a rock and I'm not digging the 'stache, but someone that hot-headed could be fun in the sack.)
Write-Ups: November 10, 2019

Clay Birdwell

Clay Pigeons, 1998
Directed by David Dobkin

This role is a little different than most in that he's playing the straight man in a comedy, rather than the comic relief in a non-comedy film. Phoenix still gets some laughs as Clay, a man who's been sleeping with his best friend's wife and must cover up the truth when that friend commits suicide in his presence because of the affair. Not long afterwards, he unknowingly befriends a charming serial killer and when that killer's victims start turning up, the FBI turns their eyes on Clay as their prime suspect.

For me Vince Vaughn is the real star of the show as that killer, but Phoenix really brings to life Clay's feelings of shock, panic, and rage as things spiral out of control and he finds himself in one seriously hellish situation.

The film was also produced by both Ridley and Tony Scott (under their Scott Free Productions), which helped to get his foot in the door for a certain iconic role that would come just a couple years later.

Rank: 18
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: 4 (A little more wiry than I normally go for, but he looks pretty damn good in flannel.)
Write-Ups: October 31, 2019

John Callahan

Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far On Foot, 2018
Directed by Gus Van Sant

The film definitely has its faults, but Phoenix turned in a really strong performance as the wheelchair bound cartoonist struggling with alcoholism and feelings of inadequacy. His journey from embittered drunk who lashes out at those around him to someone who is at peace and is able to forgive himself and those who he feels have wronged him feels very real and very touching.

Rank: 17
Film Rating: -
Hotness Factor: 0 (The hair, it bothers me so much!)
Write-Ups: October 12, 2018, November 5, 2019

Larry "Doc" Sportello

Inherent Vice, 2014
Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

Doc is kind of a one-dimensional character (like the rest of the people in the film), but this hippy private investigator sure brings the laughs as he gets deep into his very confusing case. Probably my favorite of Phoenix's comedic roles and also the only Paul Thomas Anderson movie I like.

Rank: 16
Film Rating: +
Hotness Factor: 0 (Just, no.)
Write-Ups: November 8, 2019

Willie Gutierrez

The Yards, 2000
Directed by James Gray

Bribery, property damage, assault, murder - Willie will do whatever it takes to help his boss win the contracts to repair the transit authority trains. He's a bad man but - like the other bad men Phoenix has portrayed - I can't help but feel a little for him because Joaquin brings him to such believable life.

Unfortunately the film is dragged down by a dull lead performance from his pal Marky Mark.

Rank: 15
Film Rating: +
Hotness Factor: 5 (2000 was definitely his prime. Also, that ass.)
Write-Ups: November 3, 2019

What’s the scale of the hotness factor? 1-10? 1-5?