The Joke Thread

it took me a few goes

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

On Christmas mornig two kids are opening their praesents.The first one gets everithing he ever wanted:toy cars,Lego,action figures and other stuff.While the other one gets only a small ball.then the first kid says to his brother:
"Ha ha look what i have for Chritsmas and you only got a ****ty ball"
Then the second kid says:
"Why should i care i don't have cancer"

I got one. It's kind of dirty, but it's pretty funny.

A panda bear is walking the streets of New York when he sees a woman dressed rather skanky.

She walks up to him and says "Hey baby. Wanna go back to your place?"

He agrees and takes her back to his apartment.

When the panda bear wakes up in the morning he looks over to see the woman preparing to leave. He also notices that all of his money is missing from his dresser.

"Hey! You stole my money!"

She walks him over to his stack of books and picks up the dictionary. She points to the word "Street walker" where it says "Walks the streets for money. A prostitute"

The panda bear quickly snatches the dictionary from her and turns the page to "Panda Bear" and he points to the definition.

The hooker leans over to read the page

"Panda Bear - Eats bush and leaves"

DO NOT PRESS

Hey thanks for helping me waste part of my afternnon at work...Sheshhhh.

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“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton

Me too

wow

That's infinitely less annoying than the one with the incessant popups, though.

So was there a white button?

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Review: Cabin in the Woods 8/10

There is a dog that walked into a grocery store and wanted to buy some cabbage but they were all out. So He wanted some lettuce but still there was none. So he said,"oh yeah i'm a dog i eat dog food!" HA HA HA that always cracks me up.

knock knock
who's there?
kick
kick who?
do you wanna buy pocket protectors?

It did say "Do Not Press"... LOL!

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I went to buy some camouflage clothing, but I couldn't find it.

If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

It's a cruel choice: Work or daytime Tv.

I intend to live forever- so far, so good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

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What would have happened if man ruled the world:

• Womans day is moved to Feb. 29th. Once in 4 years is bearable.
• Silicone breast implants are included in every womans health insurance.
• All women have one name, for improving conversations.
• All women are allergic to gold, silver, gems and fur coats.
• By birth every woman has build-in filter for smells like beer, sweat and onions.
• At the office the person who's best at Quake gets promoted automatically.
• Cats are allowed in the following places: China Restaurants refrigerators and the shooting range.
• Each phone has built-in device interrupting the call after 30 minutes.
• Napkins - never invented, toothbrushes also.
• The long gasp at the womans breasts during the first date means "i love you"
• Driving in the left hand side of the road over 60km/h is punished with death.
• To unbuckle a womans bra is as easy as blowing a feather.
• After a woman gets married her mother completely forgets about her existence, this will permanently eliminate the "mother-in-law" issue.
• Instead of a beer belly there are beer muscles.

• The two piece bathing suite is the best costume for business ladies. And non-business ladies.

The Shortest fairy tale

ONCE UPON A TIME, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased... did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, watched chick flicks, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in track pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

THE END

Wow, I may just follow the advice of that fairy tale. That seems like a pretty good life to me.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Elephants are also the only animal that has 4 knees!!
(Just some useless fact i picked up somewhere!!)

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Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad