Sexy Cineplexy: Reviews

Review #1: LAST HOLIDAY (d: Wayne Wang)



It's shocking that this wasn't Queen Latifah's last movie. Alright, it wasn't that terrible, but what was with the stupid doctors who appear in this movie? I'm gonna give the secret away:



Queen Latifah stars at Georgia, who works in a department store. She has a huge crush on L.L. Cool J (which is understandable, I almost wanna buy his new workout book for the pictures), has a jerk of a boss, has a kid (at least, I think that was her kid... if it wasn't, what was he doing alone while she was living her final days in France? I don't remember)... anyway, she's a small town girl with big dreams of making it big as a chef.

Cancer comes in. She quits her job, breaks the cell phone of her mean boss, receives a lot of money from a bunch of bonds her grandparents were saving for her or something like that, and flies to France to stay at this really expensive hotel. It's amazing that she didn't cash any of those bonds earlier... I mean, she spends A LOT of freakin' money! She gets new clothes, she orders everything on the hotel menu (bad Latifah), she even gives colonic irrigation treatments away to stuck up hotel cleaning ladies (that's expensive).

Because of her decadence, she is mistaken as a very wealthy, powerful business leader by another man staying at the hotel who's a corporate retail powerhouse. He sees her as a possible threat and maybe even a spy. This leads us into scenes where the two compete at sports and such. Queen always wins. However, she believes that ultimately she will lose, and soon, to the fatal disease she believes she has. L.L. Cool J goes racing to France after her and it's a battle between him and the imaginary disease, whichever gets to her first.

The point is you shouldn't wait until you know you're about to die to actually go out and live. Queen Latifah seems to want to die completely bankrupt, although she does put away a little money for her funeral, though she says she'd like to be cremated. "I've spent my whole life in a box... don't wanna be buried in one." Yeah, right. You just wanna spend that money on another round of meals and maybe some expensive jewelry. I know what your character is thinking, Queen.

I give it TWO STARS.

Watch Queen enjoying one of her many luxuries that she spent quite a bit on.

Great review Jason. Love the You-Tube link method. Thanks!

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Review #3: Let's Go To Prison (d: Bob Odenkirk)



Let's Go To Prison.... that's basically what they do. Dax Shepard plays a man who's been in trouble with the law ever since he was a kid. Countless times he's been to jail and doesn't seem to mind going back. Enter Nelson Biederman IV, the son of a legendary judge who has passed away. Daxy gets Nelson thrown in jail... then Dax gets himself thrown in jail (in particular - with Nelson in the same cell) just to watch and enjoy what happens to Nelson. That's Nelson and his prison lovemate, Barry, in the picture.

Nothing really funny happens. You've got your basic straight man being romantically courted by one of the other bigger guys in jail scheme. There's trouble when a crazed, white supremist psycho wants to kill Nelson. The warden and the prison guards are macho jerks who like to punch the inmates or throw them into "the hole" for no apparent reason. What I got out of the movie is that you shouldn't go to jail. It's not a picnic. Of course, this movie doesn't really show you what it's like to be in jail. I hear it's far worse.

It was like an R rated version of Ernest Goes To Jail (which is PG).

I give it HALF A STAR.

Nobody in jail would wanna watch this during monthly movie night.



"Move This" by Technotronic is played often in Let's Go To Prison. I bring you the music video because it's better.

Have always loved your totally unique take on movies Sexy… and as soon as I can rep again, I owe you some brownie points…

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Congrats for making it into the member reviews section.. now to work on mine to get in!

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Review #4: Blades of Glory (d: Josh Gordon & Will Speck)



The blades in this movie are pretty rusty. They skate on familiar movie territory. Something I did like about the film were the skaters' costumes. I also liked the comical, yet homoerotic first dance sequence when Will Farrell and Jon Heder skate together on the ice. But is this a funny movie? Not very. I laughed a few times, nothing hard, no uncontrollable laughter. But pity the poor film, it tries - or yet, maybe, it doesn't try even to be something above and beyond. What were Will Ferrell and Jon Heder doing together in a vehicle like this? It's an old, used car.

Perhaps it's just a movie trying to fit in with the current gay rights, gay positive movement, which you know is OK by me. It's never occurred to me that two men have never skated competitively together before. While these guys aren't homosexual, they're certainly giving a big nod to men who love men. There's even a gay (unconfirmed, but you know he is) man in this movie who is obsessed with Jimmy, played by Jon Heder. He is a sort of flamboyant groupie. His obsession kinda irked me. I'm not Mr. PC here, really, but was it necessary to make this character say sick and twisted things? In one scene where he's alone with Jimmy, he mentions killing him and wearing his skin. Um... did I just walk into Texas Chainsaw Massacre On Ice? The bizarre death fetish doesn't end there, folks. The whole point of the movie, really, is whether or not Jimmy and Chazz (Ferrell's character) can pull of a skating stunt that involves the blade of one of the skates coming very close to the other skater's head, without chopping it off. Their coach shows them a video of when it was attempted before and some poor female figure skater gets decapitated. Seriously, they can't make a funny movie, so what's with the psychotic gay man and the deadly I-might-chop-off-your-head stuff?

There's also a dull, not very interesting subplot where a man & woman skating team want to do everything in their power to stop Chazz & Jimmy from winning. This also involves the woman's sister, a nice young lady who falls in love with Jimmy, but is torn between love and her sister's demands that she sleep with Chazz in order to make Jimmy and Chazz mad at each other and not skate. The witch sister's controlling tactics include reminding her good sister that she is somehow responsible for killing their parents. Again with the deaths! They aren't funny - especially the male partner, who was annoying. They could have not been there. Might have made a better film - one in the tradition of The Silence of the Lambs.

So, yeah, I laughed here and there. But I really think my body was just trying to laugh at something. It was like a laugh trying to be a sneeze. Or is that a sneeze trying to be a laugh? But I did enjoy their beautiful (at first) homoerotic dance number, and I also got to see Jon Heder in his underwear - which was nice, by the way. His hair here is a major improvement over the Napolean Dynamite hair. I could understand his stalker's obsession... just not the "I wanna wear your skin" stuff...

I give this movie ONE STAR (and I think I'm being generous, but something about it feels like it deserves at least one star).





Blades of Glory....

I am finding these reviews very entertaining, but I am starting to wonder why you wanted to see these movies in the first place since they all seem to suck so much

Keep 'em comin', oh Sexy One!

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"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how the Tatty 100 is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." - Brendan Behan

Jesus Camp


Ooga mae blasha dakka don ulay, bogay dulee shempenlo googee googee, rocklana smosha pestardah wilsee googee boo twos rockma recli hasher da...

Oh, sorry! I was speaking in tongues! Yes -- thought I'd try doing a movie review a little differently, but I see you're staring at me all funny, wondering what the hell is he saying. Well, let me just translate:

Oh my god, I cannot believe what is going on in our world after watching "Jesus Camp". As Susan Powter would say: STOP THE INSANITY!!! I mean, really... this is child abuse! Look at the picture above. Little girl starting to cry. Why?

And that's when I stopped speaking in tongues. To continue -- Why?! Well, obviously she's traumatized. But to Becky Fischer, the director of this particular Jesus Camp for Kids, and the rest of the Nutter Butters, she's only overcome with strong emotion and devotion to want to heal the planet by becoming a personal warrior for Jesus Christ. See, Miss Becky here wants to build an army much like the committed Taliban/terrorists/whatever, over there on the other side of the world, the groups focused on sacrificing themselves for Allah and the multitude of sexy virgins they're supposed to get after death... Becky wants that in America, only they'd be nice (I guess?) and try to fix the world... for JESUS!

Highlights of the movie include a visit to the camp from United States President George Bush... in cardboard standee form. The kids reach out for that thing like zombies (which they sadly... are). There's also a scene where Becky demonstrates how she teaches the kids to not have wicked thoughts. This involves molds of a brain, slimy stuff and a sickle.



Don't worry, it was plastic.

Oh, and there's also a slightly erotic scene when Becky is alone in a bathroom, slowly applying hairspray to her short, blonde, lesbian attracting hair. Beck then comes out to an audience of kids, hair all spritzed, and she asks them, "Whaddya think of my hair?" Thus making her the campiest character at Jesus Camp!

And speaking of lesbians and camp, there's Ted Haggard, who I just learned has recently stepped down from his New Life Church ministry because of a drugs and gay sex scandal. I did know this while watching the film... (hey, news like that isn't shocking enough for me to pay attention to)... so, when he said, "Well, that's FABULOUS!!" twice... and he even mentioned something about a boy being cute, I believe... I was like, GOTTA BE GAY! The way he said "fabulous"... he had it nailed. More nailed than Jesus.

The filmmakers did a great job showcasing these monsters/Jesus freaks/child abusers/hairsprayed hotties/closeted homosexuals/darling people with a cause... a cause and a... plastic sickle... and a cardboard Bush.



Becky Explains It All. Sorry, no closed captioning in tongues available for this Youtube video.

Boynton Beach Club

(2005, directed by Susan Seidelman)

Here we have a great little movie about senior citizen widows and widowers who find new loves. Set in a little Florida community with lots of old people, we examine the folks who go to The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club. There's Dyan Cannon as Lois, an interior decorator who's definitely the sexiest of the bunch. Brenda Vaccaro as Marilyn, whose husband is killed in a stupid accident that could have been prevented, and boy is she angry. The uber fabulous Sally Kellerman as Sandy, who goes full steam ahead with hooking up with Len Cariou as Jack (pictured above, buying something interesting at CVS).


* Sally also goes topless in this movie. Look out for that.

Susan Seidelman, the director, is the one who brought us She-Devil, the campy revenge flick with Roseanne and Meryl Streep, as well as Desperately Seeking Susan. Here she also serves as co-screenwriter, bringing us a tale that is apparently based on true stories.

I found Boynton Beach to be a delightful little cookie that takes the old people routine seriously and doesn't give us simply stereotypes. Although it does feature little old ladies who ride on funny bicycles over to newly single old men's houses to give them casseroles and their best "I'll take care of you from now on" smiles. It also features a lesson in online matchmaking, driving, watching porn, safe sex, and being honest about yourself.

In the end, you'll realize that life does not end when you're over 60.

I give it a B (for Boynton Beach) and + (for 50+)

Or:

Boynton Beach Trailer.

Firecracker

(2004, directed by Steve Balderson)

What's more freaky to you? Colorful carnival freaks or dark, small town nutty people freaks? Firecracker brings the banal and the extraordinary together in a tale about isolation, being kept in one place, and the desire to be free. Karen Black puts in a supreme dual performance. She's a small town religious mother with two teenage sons and a husband who might as well be in a coma. She's also a sweet, kind yet trampy looking carnival mistress/freak exhibit. Her freakiness is not quite explained fully (at least, I didn't think it was) but it has something to do with her sex organs, which all I know have been mutilated. Anyway, she has two lovers - one is one of the teenage sons, the other is with the carnival and is basically her owner. They are both played by Mike Patton.

Jimmy (played by Jak Kendall, the guy in the picture above) is the other teenage son, the weaker one. He goes to see Sandra (Karen Black's carnival freak character) and forms a friendship/bond with her. Scenes set at Jimmy's house and other locations in the small town are filmed in black and white, while scenes at the carnival are in brilliant color. We learn some more things about the family and the freaks and then suddenly we're faced with the murder (or is it just a disappearance?) of Jimmy's brother, David. From then on, police woman Ed (Susan Traylor) is busy bugging Karen Black as Jimmy's mother Eleanor for information on where David is.

I need to watch this movie again... thankfully, I own the DVD... but I've only viewed it once so far. There may be some things I missed the first time, but I think I got enough to write up this here review. Other characters include a psychic young lady, or whatever she is, who lives by herself (free, no one controlling her) in the field, apparently getting signs from mirrors or something she keeps in trees. It's all kinda weird and if you like odd films, this may be for you.

I give it a C+

Or:

Firecracker trailer



Thought you might wanna know who The Enigma is. He plays himself (in a fictitious way) in Firecracker as one of the carnival freaks.

Batman and Robin

(d: Joel Schumacher, 1997)


Ahhh, Batman and Robin. What everyone refers to as the worst Batman movie. An abomination. This year marks it's 10th anniversary. To celebrate it, here's a review from me to you.

I bought the two disc special edition last night at FYE. Only $12.99! Usually it's around $27-28 anywhere else (except maybe online), and they had it on sale so I couldn't pass it up. This movie is high camp! As you may or may not know, one of the villians is Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thurman. Her weapons include PHEROMONES and poisonous lips! The other is Mr. Freeze, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Yes, the current governor of California. Here he's a mad scientist in a heavy armored suit that keeps his body at 0 degrees (due to an accident, he needs that to stay alive). Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze team together to kill Batman and Robin, freeze Gotham City, kill everyone on Earth and then rule the world as the only two people alive. "Adam... and Evil!" as Mr. Freeze states.

This movie also introduces Batgirl, played by clueless Alicia Silverstone. But enough about her.

The real star of this caped crusader campout is Uma as Poison. She's a saucy red haired vixen who pops up continuously to turn Batman and Robin into horny, weak kneed fools (mostly Robin, though). She's also followed around by this monstrous man made bodybuilder/killer named Bane who repeats select words from Poison Ivy's dialogue. Such as:

POISON IVY: Enough monkey business! We have work to do!
BANE: (growls) Monkey work!

Batman and Robin's conflicts also include whether Batman will trust Robin enough to handle himself well and stay alive whenever they're out fighting. Also, their poor humble servant, Alfred, is becoming sick with a incurable disease called McGregor's Syndrome. Alicia pops up as his niece, who finds the bat cave and suits up as Batgirl. The suiting up scenes are also very campy and hilarious as the camera is totally without shame. In close up, Batgirl zips up her boots... but there's absolutely no reason for the camera to move up further and show off her butt! Next, she turns around and shows off her bat breasts (covered - in leather!). Batman and Robin also flaunt their assets when they suit up during the opening credits. This is the second time this happens in the series, as Joel Schumacher directed Batman Forever and also decided to put nipples on Batman and Robin's chest armor.

The film is completely littered with crazy dialogue for all the characters, but particularly Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy. If you're up for it, it can be a laugh riot in a stupid way. It's a rather colorful film, but I can tell now that it's become dated. A lot can happen in ten years. However, I insist that, if you already haven't, be brave and watch it at least once.

MR. FREEZE: Alright, everyone! CHILL!

I give it a B for Batman.

Or:

EVEN CAMPIER: Someone made a little video with all of Poison Ivy's best scenes and set it to Britney Spears' "Toxic". A must watch!

I agree with the comments on UMA, she actually played the role perfectly. As for the rest.....*barf*

2/10.

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"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have."

Suspect's Reviews

Excellent! I don't think I've experienced the Kellerman thrups since M*A*S*H.

Catch and Release

(Directed by Susannah Grant, 2006)

What a great title!!! It's like advice from the movie itself: If you happen to be walking around outside and a DVD of Catch and Release happens to fall out of the sky and you catch it - RELEASE IT FROM YOUR GRIP IMMEDIATELY!!! It is not worth holding on to. Hopefully if there's ever a Catch and Release DVD meteor shower like event, it will happen over an ocean and no boats or lunatic swimmers will pick it up.

Not only is there not an ounce of Tim Olyphant nudity, there's also not even any sense to what these people do! Well, except for one scene where Jennifer Garner is furious at Tim for lying to her, so she slaps him. She tries to slap him a second time, but he stops her mid-b**ch slap and pins her against the wall. She then KISSES HIM!!! That to me makes a lot of sense because I was turned on. But anyways...

Kevin Smith is in this film and all he does is eat! There is a scene where they find him passed out in the kitchen and it turns out that he took a whole bottle of pills to kill himself with. I personally believe he just ran out of food and decided to eat the pills! But I'm not trying to be rude about Kevin Smith. I think there's actually a sexiness to Kevin Smith that many people dare not admit about. It's just that his character constantly eats. When he's not eating, he's fishing... makes sense (#2!). He wants some fish to eat!

The film is about the revelation that Jennifer Garner's recently deceased fiance had a kid with a masseuse in Los Angeles and she had NO IDEA. Juliette Lewis pops up as the blonde bimbo masseuse, with kid in tow. She makes Jennifer Garner and her friends eat all sorts of vegan/organic food at an outdoor dinner party while she gives her kid a McDonald's happy meal. Basically, within a few hours or less of Jennifer getting to meet her fiance's masseuse mistress, they already become bosom buddies.

OH, BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FIANCE'S MOTHER....



So yeah, don't catch Catch and Release. Catch the plague, first!

Oh yeah, and all the folksy songs they constantly play during the movie are very, very irritating. It is like a folk music concert. Ahhhhh, life! Friends, fishing, drama, death, life, food, food processors... purge all the negativity out! Take a life laxative!

Urgh.
I give it a D. Or:

No YouTube vid allowed for this movie.

live free or DIE HARD


It is bizarre how this fourth entry in the Die Hard series feels kinda like Catch and Release, the movie I reviewed before this. Both star Timothy Olyphant and Kevin Smith. It's like they walked off the Catch and Release set together, grabbed Kevin something to eat, and then went to the Live Free or Die Hard set and said, "Hey, do you need actors?"

I liked Live Free or Die Hard... quite a lot, actually. But then, I haven't seen all of the other Die Hard movies yet, so it was exciting in a new way. No, I am not a die hard Die Hard fan.

Timothy Olyphant and Kevin Smith certainly helped keep the picture interesting for me, but really now, Timothy Olyphant as the villian? Doing all that he does villianously? Please. He is too cute and soft faced to be that evil. A psychotic movie nutcase in Scream 2, maybe. But a mastermind taking down America? Not likely.

And while we're at it... Maggie Q. The sexy, skinny minnie who's Asian and kills without remorse. Wouldn't you just love to see her kick Bruce Willis' behind? She is so badass that she scared the rest of her last name away until it became just Q. How come she's working just a tad under Timothy Olyphant? Just a tad. They're lovers, but he's the boss. She could kick his butt too, without a doubt. I bet in the bedroom she's very rough with him. Unfortunately, that's not shown in the movie.

Kevin Smith appears late in the film as a geeky hacker who calls himself Warlock. There is a scene where he introduces John McClane to the cyber world, which he doesn't understand. No, they do not visit View Askew. But where was Jay at? What about Alanis Morrisette as God? Maybe she was in the background, perhaps being the reason John McClane survived every mode of transportation that tried to kill him. From elevator to fighter jet.

Despite the fact that it had a gooey gummy worm of gorgeousness and Asia Carrera's boobless body double as the most diabolical masterminds of terror, along with Kevin Smith, I enjoyed the movie a lot and might pick up the DVD upon its release.

I give it an A-

Or:

YIPPEE KI YAY, MOVIE FORUMS.

TRANSFORMERS
(d: Michael Bay, 2007)


Today, we're going to do something different - an interview with an audience member for Transformers, who will give us her thoughts on the film. Yes, she is a nun. Her name is Sister Mary Lobdale (pictured), she's 61 years old, has only been married to God for 11 years now, and boy does she look psyched after seeing Transformers. Sister, what did you think of the movie?

SISTER M. LOBDALE: (dancing her way over to me) Oooooo ooooo oooooo!!! I loved it! Loved it! LOOOVVVVVVVVVVED IT!

SEXY CELEBRITY: What was so great about it?

SISTER: Everything! I can't tell you how MARVELOUS it was! Only God could possibly express -- in words we don't even know, in languages nobody on Earth can speak -- how simply brilliant this film is!

S.C.: I see. So, you left church to see this movie?

SISTER: Mr. Celebrity, I don't think you understand. This movie was a religious experience - not just to me, but to everybody. I mean, look around. Happy faces! Young people beaming from ear to ear with joy! You don't get that kind of spiritual uprising anymore. It's fantastic.

S.C.: When was the last time you saw a movie?

SISTER: When Sister Act 2 came out. (makes a thumbs down gesture) It went straight to hell. I did come close to seeing Passion of the Christ but I was worried that I'd need a prescription for Prozac afterwards, so I stayed home.

S.C.: I don't really get the... the love for this movie. To me, it's just a movie. I mean, I was never a fan of Transformers. I didn't watch the show growing up. I didn't have the toys...

SISTER: Well, sir, you missed out. I had the toys, I watched the show... before I moved into the church, that is. I was a big fan. Look at my cross.

Sister M. Lobdale shows me the cross around her neck. She messes with it and it turns into a wooden transformer.

SISTER: Ta-da! RoboGod. I'm always protected with RoboGod around my neck. And nobody else knows about him! My sisters are such boring, lifeless Mary mannequins. I mean, they're here too but they went to License To Wed. (rolls eyes) Strike me dead.

Thunder is heard from outside. Sister M. Lobdale yelps and starts praying.

S.C.: Well, sister, we need to wrap this up. Tell me, what would you grade Transformers?

SISTER: AAA! Triple A's! WAIT! Make that A MILLION A'S. God can do miracles! A million miraculous A's for this film!

S.C.: And how many Hail Mary's?

SISTER: ZERO!!! Somewhere minus zero even! HAIL OPTIMUS PRIME from now on!

S.C.: Well, thank you, sister. Maybe if I run into you again, I'll get another review from ya.

SISTER: GOD BLESS EVERYONE! Please! Go to the movies and see Transformers! It'll transform your soul! You'll go to heaven!

S.C.: What about people like mass murderers, suicide bombers and Britney Spears?

SISTER: .... They will at least get a glimpse of it.

S.C.: Well, that's certainly enough. Thank you, Sister Mary Lobdale!

She waves goodbye to everyone, as if a camera was there filming her.

RATINGS:
Sister Mary Lobdale:

Sexy Celebrity:

Quite possibly the best film review ever.



Praise Optimus!

My Super Ex-Girlfriend


(directed by Ivan Reitman, 2006)

Uma Thurman is one of my favorite actresses. Here she plays a kind of mentally unstable superheroine in a ridiculous, off the wall, and frustrating film. My super ex-girlfriend? Okay. Why did it take SO LONG for her to become the ex-girlfriend?!

Early in the film, Uma, AKA Jenny, AKA G-Girl, meets Matt (Luke Wilson) when he saves her purse from being stolen. Excited about having a man finally be a hero for her, Jenny starts dating him. Without him knowing it yet, Matt enjoys some superhero sex with her. It's wall banging good. Pretty soon he discovers that she is G-Girl, the town superhero. An hour or so into the film, they FINALLY break up. She throws a shark at him. Then he's getting the help of G-Girl's nemesis, Eddie Izzard, to stop her crazy antics.

I found some things funny. I can't quite remember what those scenes were. I do recall her being hit by a bus (or a car?) and being thrown through the air and surviving without injury. This is funny because Matt hasn't found out yet that she's a superhero and he saw the whole thing. The ending was rather lackluster and totally predictable if you just think about it. I was surprised more by the fact that Ivan Reitman, who directed Ghostbusters, also directed this. But then again, he also directed Kindergarten Cop.

But in all serious, the real highlight of this movie to me, besides Uma, is the scene where she takes Luke Wilson's clothes off in front of people in a boardroom and he stands there bare a$$ naked. Now that was truly super. Plus it helped explain why Uma went so psycho about losing Luke. She wanted his tight butt back! 'S understandable.

Anyway, let's evaluate this. Uma was fabulous. The story was crazy. The plotting was slow and didn't work with the movie title. Luke Wilson got naked. Eddie Izzard played the villian and he was actually sorta nice, except for when he almost killed Luke Wilson. Bad Izzard! It had Anna Faris, but why is she always in these more lame comedies, like Just Friends? She stole that whole movie with her scenes and rightfully so. However, she doesn't steal any scenes in Ex-Girlfriend. She is more subdued, more tranquil - normal.

I give it a C+

Or:

Love!
Valour!
Compassion!

(directed by Joe Montello, 1997)

Alright, maybe, if you know me, you're thinking this is one of my favorite films and I watch it all the time. I mean, look above - men in tutus doing Swan Lake. As a matter of fact, I've only seen it once, just recently. Netflix delivers. I have to say the best thing about it is Jason Alexander from Seinfeld. He plays a great gay guy (a flaming one) and it's odd because he's... George Costanza.

The story follows a group of guys who spend time together at a big house in a country owned by some hairy man (I can't remember his name) and his blind lover. Don't let the blind guy fool you. He can see perfectly well with his wandering eye... which leads him right into the perfect pecs of super stud Ramon. Ooooooh, sightless gay drama.

Costanza, as well as actor John Glover, who plays twins, have AIDS. At least, one of John Glover's twins do. The other one is just totally addicted to bondage and domination sexual roleplaying games. He's also a bit of a grouch. It's interesting. Anyways, so George Costanza and John Glover twin with AIDS form a special bond together. They dance, they sing, Costanza kisses John's Kaposi's sarcoma lesion... because he knows that soon enough he'll have one himself, so he might as well accept it, and it's a very touching scene. Very touching. You feel the emotions in your lips.

I'm going to hell.

Anyways, so Jason Alexander makes the film. He's fun and full of life. He's in full on sister mode. Elaine Benes is more masculine than him here. But when was Georgie ever that masculine on Seinfeld anyway? He was always sorta weak.

Watch Love! Valour! Compassion! sometime! Especially if you're gay. If you're bisexual, watch half of it. If you're a lesbian, skip this and watch D.E.B.S. Alright, I'm only joking. Anybody can watch it.

But I must warn you.

You see Jason Alexander's bare bottom in this.

Closeup. For a moment. From a distance is longer in time.

I wasn't bothered by it, but maybe you will be. There are actually lots of bare bottoms featured in L!V!C!. More than that, even. Yes, there's even a peek at the other side. And we're not talking Poltergeist/Zelda Rubinstein other side. But you know what? No female nudity. In fact... I don't think there's even a single female actress in the film. Not one. In fact, the only woman I remember even being mentioned only pops up to drop dead. Seriously. I won't say who, but she's someone's sister (like, a REAL sister, with XX chromosomes) and she's dead before you know her. So, this movie is about men. Men only. MEN!

Transformers is more girly than this because it had Megan Fox.

I give Love! Valour! Compassion! a B! For boys, bras, blindness, bondage, butts, bros, and bonobo monkeys... which don't appear in this movie, yet I feel I should mention them because they frequently have gay sex. And they deserve a movie someday.


*smooch*

Oh yeah, this movie could also be rated