Lets Talk Football

A scouting report for Liverpool's new American owners, from the ever-wonderful Football365:

Jose (Pepé) Reina

Netminder with an impressive 19 shutouts this regular season. Save average of .854 in last five outs. Replaces New Jerzy Dudek as first-choice goaltender after veteran's series of high-profile handling errors. Nicknamed after Pepé Le Pew, the cheese-eating surrender skunk.

James 'The Minister Of Defense' Carragher

Captain of defense and native 'Scouser'. 2963 minutes of field time with powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3. Awesome displays in penalty zone versus aerial offense plays. Awesome displays at club Christmas parties. Distribution ranked only 245th in EPL. Note: communication may be difficult as James does not speak English.

Steve O'Finnan

Defensive cornerback/outside linebacker ranked six in division for forward offense running plays. Highly-rated change-up, groundspeed. 245 defensive tackle ratio. Proud Irishman: merchandising opportunities with millions of east coast Americans who are 1/64 from Cork. Vital cornerman, new shorts.

Sam Hyypia

Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability, composureability, although lacks change-up, questions over groundplay v forwards with nimbleness quotient. Radical air with headbombs from special plays ensures a conversions per season tally average of six. Hails from Finlandland, a country in Europe that is part of the 'Axis Of Pleasantness'.

John-Arnold Riise

Cornerman who regularly features in goalshot of the month sweeps with a left peg rated in top five nationwide for sweetness. Rookie, sophomore seasons raised expectations of possible Hall of Famer status but recent semesters have seen the person of redly-challenged hair demoted to bullpen on occasion. 7-6-8.

Gerrard Steven

Team MVP, captain and midfielderman famed for power running, pass accuracy, assists. Has dressed as center, right wingerbacker (offensive and defensive) and even as secondary power forward. Can rush goal or sit back in the pocket. Career high came in Pro-Ball showdown against the Milan Tumblers in Istanbul (believed site of WMD).

Craig Bellamy

Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division's third most likely player to face red card takedown in grudge slams. Lightning fast in joggy work down winglines, although critics question net targeting infield. Has switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of all-star level jackassery.

Robert Bernard Fowler

Veteran strike attacker and all-time Liverpool Reds Hall of Famer. Once considered league MVP for shotzone rebounds and accuracy in the paint. Famously flagged on field for displaying his tight end to opponent Graeme Le Saux, and for calling into question The War On Drugs.

Xavi Alonso (ITA)

6-5-7, 12, 468, 0.43, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 98632548, 1, 1, 0 (?), 0, 1. 0.3.

Jermaine Pennant

Wide receiver/running forward has rushed for over 1,000 yards in Liverpool Reds rookie season. Crossfields delivery success rate well into point-seven-ohs, play action, sprinty, jigglebomb, DUI. 6.662. Off-field activities saw him given bum's rush from Steve Bruskowski's Birmingham Brums. Only soccerplayer on roster with a sensible sportsman's name.

Peter Crouch Jr

Power forward who could have potential if consortium moves into NBA. Noted for headbomb assists, ganglyhole, salmon leap, robotics. 0.673, runners batted in, three points. Traded several times early in career but has flourished under head coach Benitez at the Anfield Taco Bellodrome.

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"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how the Tatty 100 is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." - Brendan Behan

^Heh, jokes like that seem awfully redundant when they start referring to the positions as "goaltender" and "defenseman". Anyway, fat chance it will change anything there. Benitez will just go out and spend any extra money on Venezuelan left back who turns out to be as useful as David James playing up front, and when they move to their new ground, their wall of noise will be gone and suddenly away at Liverpool won't be such a 'frightening' fixture anymore.
I watched Antwerp a handful times last year, which is basically Man Utd reserves. Nice, even though none of them really stood out enough to suggest they're future first team material. Shame, their youth team has really I don't think it's anything particularly wrong with United's YTS scheme or anything, it's just a trend... English youngsters on the whole just seem to be lacking in genuine class and have been for some time... Part of the reason why we are staring non-qualification for the Euros in the face.

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Mr M Rides Again

MoFo Survivor - r3port3r66 wins!!!!!!

Very funny, Tacitus

Anyone see Wigan v Arsenal? Thierry Henry - what a w*nker.

I don't mind Terry 'Enry actually. He's a bit up himself at times but a wonderful sight when in full flow. Plus: the goading of Neville G when they beat Man Ewe recently was top viewing.

Arrogant yes, but I don't think he's in the same 'hateful' class as Savage or Ronaldo (the overrated one, not the porky Brazilian).

Mr M:

I dunno what the solution is for England's woes - apparently McLaren has had the worst start of any England manager - but all this talk of a 'Golden Generation' is, to me, bollocks. It was a handy stick with which to beat Sven when they didn't perform last summer.

Take the Italia '90 side, for example. Is John Terry better than Terry Butcher? Gerrard then Gascoigne? Owen than Lineker? Rooney (in his present form) than Beardsley? Joe Cole than Waddle? Cashley Cole than Pearce? Ferdinand than Mark Wright? Lampard than Platt?

The great pity about the 1990 squad is the apparent God-given right they had to become crap managers - Shilton, Robson, Waddle, Butcher, Barnes, Platt and the current U21 boss Stu Pearce - what other manager would take on an extra job when his team is being dragged towards relegation? More to the point, what eejit would hire him in the first place?

As a bloke, I think Pearce is top notch. As a manager he seems sadly out of his depth...but representative of the apparent National disease that values 'passion' and 'commitment' above technical competence and a proven track record...

I meant in Sunday's match rather than in general.

Forgive my waffling for, in the words of Arsene Wenger, I did not see it...

I'd taped Top Gear and was watching it while forgetting MOTD was on.

C'mon Norn Iron!

If we stick to our gameplan we can defeat the plucky Swedish underdogs!

Our high-class team of Premiership reserves and lower league journeymen nullified the class of Liechtenstein so we must guard against complacency tonight...

Why in the name of all that's been near the Blarney stone isn't there more comment here??

Commiserations Pidz. Fugging fantastic stuff by your boys Tac (from what i can tell - only saw the first half highlights. You've got a killer striker there mate )

Um - and is no one going to commiserate the St George's brigade that McClaren's kept his 'cap'?

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Virtual Reality chatter on a movie site? Got endless amounts of it here. Reviews over here

Hmmmm Steve McClown, a man so inept that he makes Keggy Keegle look like Brian Clough...

The press (and to a ceetain extent the English public) are reaping what they've sown in demanding an English manager. Barwick and his group of jokers at the FA unwittingly ruled out the chance of any top class coach taking the job after the mess they made of the approach to Scolari so the country is left with 6th Choice Steve.


A Boro fan I know says the national side now plays exactly the way that The Smoggies used to - completely lacking in conviction. He's a mid-table coach and an average #2 (and I think the England fans were calling him a #2 on Wednesday night ) who doesn't have the swingers to make tactical decisions or the ability to inspire a team of millionaires who must have thought they would be playing for a Big Name (to go with their Big Egos) manager by now, instead of the guy who used to put his arm round their shoulder after Sven told them that Jenas would be on the bench.

Healy is a gem, and no mistake, but also a conundrum for Leeds Utd. He's proved over the last 2 years that he can score against supposed world class defenders (and John Terry) but only bangs in 10 a season for his club. Apparently Wise hasn't been picking him and the previous boss played him out of position but, to be frank, they need their heads looking at - the little guy has a better international scoring record than Klinnsmann.

Football is my favorite as I youst to play it myself, and my team is the Washington Redskins.

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"Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can find anything..."

Someone should really make the "American rugby" thread already...

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http://www.last.fm/user/diezelpower/

A mate of mine has a theory that the players are playing bad on purpose because they want McLaren sacked.

The press and the public deserve what they get for being so fickle. Only months after everyone was complaining that Beckham was controlling the team too much and was past it...we get the crowd in Barcelona singing 'there's only one David Beckham'

I think that if Owen and Crouch were fit, England's scoring record would improve.

McDonut can't really take all the flak about it, the players are to blame aswell, But when we need to go to the Championship for Engalnd first team players we must be in trouble!

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Wow. I feel kinda sorry for you. Well, mostly Joe Gibbs. Apart from so many other things, I really think they should have made a stronger play for Lance Briggs, but my pre-draft prediction is that the best you can hope for is 3rd in the East above the Giants...

As for England, the root of their problem, beisdes the ineptitude of Mclaren, the Norv Turner of association football, is that the media controls the fans. It really flew in the face of all logic last summer when people kept saying, "oh there is a problem in midfield, Lampard and Gerrard can't play together so what we'll do is drop Beckham"

The media as I'm sure we should all know has only one motive, and that is the profit motive. I read the Sun, which I'm sure speaks volumes about me to some people, but they in particular spout so much quotable polemic that is for all other purposes totally useless and baseless. So, yeah, like everyone up there has said, the papers go for the easy story, whip the supporters up in a fury and the whole pot explodes in a hideous mess. You see the same thing with Stuart Pearce who has been rexposed as a very, very average tactician and manager and they're talking about this guy possibly being groomed as Mclarens successor.

The thing now is of course that the rest of the schedule is in theory, Russia trip aside, very very easy. So we will qualify, and I think we will get out of the first round in the Euros. Which means at least three more years of Mclaren. Barwick has been exposed as a joke, he made it his decision alone appointing the manager, taking the choice away from the commitee. I was against his appointment from day one and he needs to go as soon as possible. I don't think he has made a single good decision during his tenure.

How to improve: For one thing, I don't think it's a good idea to play with two out and out crossing wingers when your strikers are 5'8" and 5'9". Joe Cole is coming back which is important. Play him wide. Now this is very important, ignore the media and play Gerrard wide. Leave Lampard in the middle, again ignore the media do not make him a scapegoat and remember that the ball should run faster than the man.

NFL isn't ****...

Revenge! so nice to see you

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

Hi! Nice to see you!

Half time in the Man U - Roma game. Oh boy..... Talk about knock out! Ronaldo (the Portuguese) is fantastic. I'm glad he got to score his first Champions League goal.

The second half won't be very exciting probably..... But I'll keep watching...

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The novelist does not long to see the lion eat grass. He realizes that one and the same God created the wolf and the lamb, then smiled, "seeing that his work was good".

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They had temporarily escaped the factories, the warehouses, the slaughterhouses, the car washes - they'd be back in captivity the next day but now they were out - they were wild with freedom. They weren't thinking about the slavery of poverty. Or the slavery of welfare and food stamps. The rest of us would be all right until the poor learned how to make atom bombs in their basements.

Manchester United - 7 : 1 - Roma

The Man Ewe fans are gonna be insufferable for a while yet. I didn't even bother watching the match because that little sh*t Ronaldo irritates me as much as Keith Gillespie used to.

He's definitely improved as a player this season, is starting to pull out performances when it matters and isn't becoming a flat track bully like Lampard, for instance.

It's his face that I hate...